When Your Child Masks ant School and Self Advocacy Goal?

[Stephanie Gauthier]

My 8.5 year old son is very proficient at masking at school. He is a hard worker with a great attitude and no behavior issues. Because of this, I’m constantly told that he’s doing fine but because I’m his safe person, he shares things with me or melts down as soon as he is home. He is now realizing that he works really hard and tries his best but that school work is very hard for him and get gets a lot of answers wrong which rightfully, upsets him very much. We put no emphasis on grades at home and tell him that as long as he works hard and tries his best, that’s what’s important and what his dad and I care about. He is also struggling socially and with self advocacy but because these things aren’t tied into unwanted behaviors at school, they are being ignored completely. When I shared these concerns with the school counselor and told her how he had a meltdown at home about kids being unkind to him, she suggested private counseling. 
 

We have a 3 year re-eval meeting coming up in a few weeks and I would love some advice on how to get the school to acknowledge that just because he doesn’t express these feelings to them at school, it doesn’t mean that he’s not experiencing them. I also feel that he needs a concrete self-advocacy goal because he will never ask for a break, or tell a teacher if something has happened, or speak up if he doesn’t understand something. 

[Carolyn Rowlett]

What are his categories of eligibility?  For what areas are there goals?  Has a re-evaluation been done for the three year re-evaluation meeting, or is this just for a review of existing data?  This will help us better formulate a response to your question.  But for now, I would offer the following suggestions:

1. If he has an accommodation for a break, make sure it doesn't read or can be interpreted that the student has to ask for the break.  Most 8-year-olds don't have this self-advocacy skill and especially depending on what the disability is, shouldn't be expected to have this skill yet.  So make sure the "break" accommodation is either scheduled breaks that the teacher has to abide by or that the teacher must prompt the break if s/he sees dysregulation (but this may not work if your son doesn't show signs of dysregulation at school).

2.  In the meantime until he has the skill, self-advocacy should be a goal he is working towards (again, this could be dependent on the disability).

2.  Unless already done, request a re-evaluation in the area of social/emotional.  These usually have questionnaires that parents complete (and sometimes even students - not sure of the age for these).  That way you can get "into the record" your concerns and his. 

3. If the re-evaluation doesn't  move the school toward additional goals and accommodations, ask for an Independent Educational Evaluation.

4.  Depending on the severity of the "unkindness" toward your son, you should probably report these incidents to the principal.

5. If he's getting "a lot of answers wrong," this is something to point to show that there are issues at school even if he's not acting out.