Lisa Lightner

Kevin had an appointment in center city recently. Yes, pushing an adult in a wheelchair through Philly when my car said...(checks notes)...104 degrees. Whew! Many of his doctors teach and do research. And, he asked us to participate in a study they're doing about disaabled kids who have to transition from pediatric to adult providers. I said yes, of course. Because this? This is exactly where we are. And it’s hard. On the drive home (in traffic because the city was teeming with tourists), I had time to think. And it hit me just how long I’ve been doing this. Kevin is my first. I don’t know parenting any other way. It’s always included a side order of caregiving, case management, and explaining his diagnoses to strangers who may or may not be helpful. Honestly? I can’t remember what it’s like to just parent. And maybe you can relate. Maybe you’re in that space, too, where caregiving has become so automatic, you forget there was ever a time before it. Here’s the thing I want to say to all of us: This work we do, this invisible, exhausting, often unrewarded work of managing someone else's complex needs, is not nothing. It’s not just “part of the job.” It’s an entire second job, one that no one trains you for. But here we are. Still showing up. Still advocating. Still sweating (literally and metaphorically). So maybe the lesson in all this traffic and sweat and research study participation is this: just because something has become your “normal,” doesn’t mean it’s not extraordinary. You are doing extraordinary things. Take a moment to notice that. And then, go pour yourself a cold drink. Preferably indoors. Related: The Extraordinary Burden of IEPs on Moms. Rest, but don't quit. LL *Please note: the posts here that are in the "Sunday Night Emails" category are just that--previous emails sent out on a Sunday night. The dates/times/content may not match up with present day events because it was sent out a while ago.

Like a lot of people, yes—I’ve tested AI to see if it could lighten my workload. Every time, I’ve ended up disappointed. In the 15 years since I started, my work has shifted from “just a blog” to a full-scale online business that I mostly run alone. The pressure is real, and shortcuts are tempting. I tried using AI for blog posts... it gave wrong info, clunky phrasing, not my voice, and hours of editing. No time saved. I tried it for emails and social posts, fine at first, until you realize everything starts sounding the same. Same cadence, same buzzwords, same overused emojis. Once you notice it, you can’t unsee it. Still determined, I asked it to analyze my Facebook ads. It walked me through downloading reports, which I did, then spit out two paragraphs of “Some ads worked and some didn’t.” #NotHelpful. When I pushed for specifics, it gave me data that was just plain inaccurate. Finally, it listed four ads to kill or duplicate, complete with headlines. Except those ads didn’t even exist in my account. I wasted a Thursday night and still didn’t have answers. When I told my husband the story, his first response was: “Why would you even do that? You have no idea what personal data you just fed it.” Good point. Then there’s the bigger picture: AI runs on massive data centers that use staggering amounts of water and electricity. Every time a person does a "chatgpt session" it depletes our planet of 1-2 liters of drinkable water. The environmental reasons alone are why I've vowed not to use it until they get that part figured out. Here’s what all that taught me: there are no shortcuts. The only people insisting “AI is the future” are usually selling AI or AI-related products. And that brings me to IEPs. If AI can’t even summarize my ad report correctly, how could we possibly trust it with something as nuanced, high-stakes, and deeply human as an IEP? IEPs are about children, real kids with real struggles and real futures. They require judgment, empathy, and context. “Close enough” isn’t good enough. And beyond that, putting student info into AI is a privacy nightmare waiting to happen. Being a teacher right now is…hard. But even if I were looking to change jobs or nearing retirement, I wouldn’t train AI to do my work for me. That’s the fastest way to be replaced. What you do matters. Your instincts, your ability to connect with a child, your presence in the room....none of that can be replicated by an algorithm. That doesn’t mean you have to drown under the workload. Systems, not shortcuts, are what save time. Templates, trackers, and repeatable processes won’t replace you; they support you. They give you space back in your day without undermining your expertise or value. I was reminded of this myself last weekend. I bought a little $27 course called The Organized Blogger from a creator I trust. I spent a Saturday setting up the systems she taught and my workload already feels lighter. Embarrassing to admit, but I’ve been at this since 2008 without any real systems, just scattered notebooks and checklists and planners from Aldi. Sometimes, taking a step back to put a structure in place is what lets you move forward with less stress and more impact. Enjoy the rest of your evening, Lisa *Please note: the posts here that are in the "Sunday Night Emails" category are just that--previous emails sent out on a Sunday night. The dates/times/content may not match up with present day events because it was sent out a while ago.

I have this neighbor who has become one of my closest friends. Years ago, we both decided we needed to walk more, so we carved out time...even with six kids between us, two IEPs, and busy work lives. Now we manage to get in 4–5 walks a week. It’s one of the best things I do for myself. This morning I got to our meeting spot first. While waiting, I heard an odd sound and, being the bird nerd that I am, looked up. There was a pileated woodpecker hammering away. If you’ve never seen one, they’re rare to spot, huge, striking birds with a bright red plume. I stood there wishing for my phone to snap a photo…but then caught myself. Why? Because it reminded me of all those concert videos people post. They pay hundreds for tickets, yet spend the whole night behind their screens instead of just enjoying the music. I almost did the same thing...for a free, fleeting, beautiful moment. So I took a breath, stayed still, and let myself just watch. Later that day, I came home from basketball practice with B to find K’s room littered with shredded pages. My heart sank. Several vintage Sesame Street books, gone. But instead of reacting, I sat with him. And then I noticed: every scrap had the Count von Count on it. This wasn’t random destruction. It was intentional, tied to his deep interest. https://birdmail.s3.amazonaws.com/images/1628/20250921065457thumbnail.jpg Two very different moments in one day, but the same lesson: slow down and look closer. Not everything needs to be documented. Not every mess is just a mess. Sometimes what feels like an inconvenience or a loss is actually insight, or a gift, if we’re paying attention. Mindfulness doesn't always have to be scheduled, or a deliberate activity. (but if you need ideas, I got 'em) Mindfulness isn’t about perfect calm. It’s about choosing presence over autopilot. Whether it’s a rare woodpecker or torn-up books, the reminder is the same: notice the details, and they’ll often tell you more than the noise ever will. I wish you all the best of weeks....and I hope you are able to take a deep breath and notice what's around you. LL *Please note: the posts here that are in the "Sunday Night Emails" category are just that--previous emails sent out on a Sunday night. The dates/times/content may not match up with present day events because it was sent out a while ago.

Hi friends, I used to keep a section on my site about women and drinking. Especially special needs moms and drinking, because we are at exceptionally high risk of dependency. (high stress life, little to no support) Years ago, some SEO people told me to prune anything “irrelevant” to IEPs and disabilities, so I did. But I held onto those pieces. One of them feels right to reshare now. And, there is a "blog" section of the Village, where anyone can share whatever they want--like an online journal. Anonymous or not, up to you. But I'm glad I have a place to put these old posts, because they generated a ton of email from women looking for support. We all have anniversary dates in our lives that are not happy ones. One of mine was last week. September 26th is the anniversary of my mom’s death. She drank herself to death at 39—I was only 9. Every year around this time, I find myself thinking about her, my own choices, and the “wine mom” culture so many of us swim in. I first wrote the piece over 10 years ago. If I were writing it today, I’d probably tweak a few things. But it’s a snapshot in time, and I want to share it as I wrote it. Some parts may feel uncomfortable, that’s okay. Sit with that. READ IT In the essay, I talk about: Growing up with an alcoholic mom and how that shaped my parenting. Falling into suburban wine culture myself, because it’s everywhere. The anxiety/alcohol link that so many women quietly struggle with. Why I finally chose to step away from drinking. It’s personal, it’s messy, and it’s not about judgment. It’s about honesty. I’m not a counselor, and I don’t play one on the internet, but if you’re questioning your own relationship with alcohol, I encourage you to read women’s voices on the topic. Books like Almost Alcoholic, Quit Like a Woman, and This Naked Mind really resonated with me. It’s been years since I stopped, and I can say this much: my health is better, my patience is deeper, and my kids have the mom they deserve. I don’t really miss “my” mom, but I miss having a mom. That loss is what keeps me honest about all this. Cheering for you-- Lisa PS: If you're online ordering books, don't forget to order "Your IEP Playbook." Ships in two weeks!

So I was supposed to go on a girls’ weekend this month with some college friends. You know — shopping, eating, flannel pajama pants in a rented house. And then someone in the group chat said, “Can we not talk about politics this weekend?” And the others chimed in with, “Yes, please!” And listen, I get it. I talk about politics a lot. It’s who I am. It’s literally my life’s work. Disability rights are politics. Public education is politics. Your kid’s IEP? Tied to federal law..... which is... politics. But when I hear “Can we not talk about politics?” What I actually hear is: “I don’t agree with your politics.” “Your values make me uncomfortable.” “I’d rather not talk about hard things.” And you know what? That’s fine. But I’ve reached a point in life where I only have space for people who get it or at least try to. Who see me, and more importantly-Kevin, and this community.....as worth fighting for. I get accused of being ableist when I talk about how hard this life is....but our day to day life is very hard. I'm not complaining about my son--it's the lack of support and resources for people like him. Our current state of society is that parents are propping up the caregiver system for disabled adults. I have adult man in my home with limited communication skills, who is larger than me, who has to be watched 24/7 because of the unsafe decisions he makes. If I'm going to go to all the work to get away for 3 days, it's going to be surrounded by people who support me, otherwise....why go? If I can't share my concerns and fears about my family with this group of "friends" then what am I doing? So I won’t be going. It sucks. But it’s also clarifying. Now I know. Sometimes people leave your orbit. Sometimes you nudge them out with a gentle shove and a “no thanks.” Either way, protect your peace. I'm not going to shrink myself to make others comfortable. A page follower once left this comment, I drag it out when I need to read it. https://birdmail.s3.amazonaws.com/images/1628/20251005071759558393322_1250243270474770_6954851012484251517_n.jpg Talk soon, LL PS: If you're online ordering books, don't forget to order "Your IEP Playbook." Shipping no later than 8 days! PPS: I've had people reply to some of these emails and ask if there was a way to share them. Well, you can either go full 1998 like my dad....and forward it to your entire email address book. But, if you're patient, I will get them up in the blog section of the Village. It's also been brought to my attention that this online village of mine operate very similarly to Substack. I don't subscribe to any substacks, but for months, people have been suggesting "you should start a substack." Turns out I already have one, and it's free. *Please note: the posts here that are in the "Sunday Night Emails" category are just that--previous emails sent out on a Sunday night. The dates/times/content may not match up with present day events because it was sent out a while ago.

Normally I send my Sunday email out later...and had it scheduled as such. But, that can wait until next week, I couldn't not send this out today. Remember when some folks said, "It’ll be so much better now"? Yeah. About that… In case you haven’t heard, OSEP (Office of Special Education Programs, the federal office that oversees special education) has basically been wiped off the map. It’s part of a much bigger plan to gut the Department of Education. All the employees were fired Friday. Scary? Yep. But here’s the thing. OSEP never came to your IEP meetings. They weren’t the ones reading your emails, reviewing your data, or helping you push back. You were. You are. The real work, and the real wins, have always been at the state and local level. And, the same goes for teachers. I mean, I actually did a webinar for them once--and like 60 teachers came. And that's out of alllll the teachers in the country. So sure, OSEP offered training and resources....but many of you are finding resources elsewhere (like on my site). And you’re not alone. I just published a full breakdown of what’s happening, what this means for our kids, and what you can do right now to protect your child’s rights. Read it here: https://adayinourshoes.com/osep/ We’ve got work to do. But we’ve done hard things before. -Lisa P.S. The IEP Toolkit and Don’t IEP Alone were built for moments exactly like this. If you need a plan, they’ve got your back. *Please note: the posts here that are in the "Sunday Night Emails" category are just that--previous emails sent out on a Sunday night. The dates/times/content may not match up with present day events because it was sent out a while ago.

Hey. I almost didn’t write tonight’s email. I’m tired. You’re tired. And honestly, it’s been one of those weeks where everything feels just slightly off. The kind where you open your inbox, think “I should deal with that,” and then… don’t. But that’s exactly why I write these. Because if I’m feeling it, I know some of you are too. I was supposed to speak at an event in Chester County yesterday. They asked me Thursday, while I was elbow-deep in a cart at BJ’s, hunting for pullups. I said yes. Of course I said yes. Then Friday morning hit, and I realized: oops, scheduling conflict. In our house, someone always has to be with Kevin. Always. No exceptions. Finding paid caregivers is tricky on a good day, let alone with short notice. And especially with his size, medical stuff, and behaviors. I asked myself: Do I have it in me to scramble for a caregiver? Write a speech? Coordinate rides? Pack his things? Manage behaviors in a loud, crowded event space? As it turns out....no, no I did not. I even thought about just bringing him. He’s been to plenty of rallies and protests over the years. But that was back when things were more stable. When his seizures and behaviors were better managed. Could I train my cousin Sharon and my friend Brett (both willing but untrained) to care for him while I was up on stage? (that's who I was going with) Again… no, I didn’t have it in me. Not this week. Not with a client IEP meeting on Friday too. And here’s the life lesson in all this: Sometimes, the most powerful thing you can do is say no....even to the stuff that matters. Because when your cup is empty, it’s empty. You can’t pour from it, you can’t fake full, and you sure as hell can’t show up as your best self. We do so much juggling. And guilt-tripping ourselves into being everything, everywhere, all the time isn’t sustainable. So if you’re also tired, and a little off, and letting a few things slide....same. You’re not alone. And you don’t have to be everything this week. Sometimes, showing up for yourself is the most important advocacy you’ll ever do. And then, in other news (because why not?) two campaign signs were stolen from my front yard. One was for a local school board member. The other? My friend Susan, who’s running for mayor of our teeny-tiny town (pop. 1500). Yes, someone actually took them. Both. Losers. So this week? We’re letting it go. We’re not fighting the battles that can wait. We’re staying home instead of forcing ourselves to show up when we’re running on fumes. Here’s the thing: Sometimes the most powerful advocacy you can do is for yourself. Rest. Say no. Recharge. It’s not a failure, it’s the strategy that keeps you in the game. We’re not machines. We’re humans. Parents. Caregivers. And sometimes... just tired. Take care, LL PS: If you have a school board election coming up, and the candidates are having forums, here's a list of questions to ask: "I'd Go, But What Would I Ask?" School Board Candidates and Special Ed Questions *Please note: the posts here that are in the "Sunday Night Emails" category are just that--previous emails sent out on a Sunday night. The dates/times/content may not match up with present day events because it was sent out a while ago.

No, he needs a PCA. Or the school nurse can do it.

I’m an alcoholic. Well, almost. I am immersed waist-deep in the suburban mom wine culture, that’s for sure. More on that in a bit. Actually, I’m not an alcoholic, but my mom was. So much so that she actually drank herself to death when I was 9 and she was 39. Nice, huh? So I have a lot, I mean a LOT of baggage when it comes to drinking, parenting, and self-examination. Not wanting history to repeat itself and all that. An alcoholic Mom. Despite my less than stellar childhood, for decades I gave her a pass on the drinking. She came from a genetic line of alcoholics and “It was the 1970s,” I’d think to myself, “No one was really talking about alcoholism.” I mean, after all, the Betty Ford center didn’t open until 1982 (my mom died in 1979). And no one, I mean, no one was talking about women and alcoholism. If my family and neighbors knew, they didn’t talk to each other about it. Or they did in whispers. I figured she was doing the best she could at the time. Becoming a Suburban Wine Mom. Then I had kids. And like most parents will tell you, having kids completely changes your emotions, your views on life, everything. When I look at my kids and feel that overwhelming love for them, and you just want everything and nothing all at the same time. Didn’t she feel that? Wasn’t I good enough? I mean, when I look at my kids, if nothing else, I am constantly reminding myself that I would never subject them to the childhood that I had. Why didn’t my mom want this for me? So this is why I supermom. Why I bake cookies and grow a garden and am constantly on the go showing my kids new things and volunteering and being PTO president. (I told you, I have a lot of baggage!) I am always doing whatever I can to not be my mom. Which was passed out drunk at 3:00 when I got home from school. And usually still passed out in the morning so I had to fend for myself a lot. My dad traveled frequently for business and she usually kept it under control when he was around. Moms who drink too much. But in the midst of all that I was doing, I was drinking. Frequently. Not ever driving or while pregnant or breastfeeding. Not falling down, passing out, vomiting drunk (yes, my mom did that too). But just a glass or two of wine in the evenings. My kids were always fed, clothed and bathed and nurtured. But wine was always a part of my evening routine. Am I overthinking it? And given my history, I think about it. Too often. I overthink it. I read books, articles, watch tv shows and documentaries. Any data that I can find to reassure me that I am not an alcoholic. Several years ago, Elizabeth Vargas came out openly as an alcoholic and has written a book about her struggles. I’ve always liked her so I read the book and watched her on 20/20. But hey, she was always trying to hide her wine. In bathroom cabinets, the classic mom alcoholic. I wasn’t doing that, so that must mean I’m not an alcoholic, right? I will add here, that the main takeaway from Vargas’ book and the story is the link between women with anxiety and alcoholism. I struggle with anxiety issues, as did my mom. I did not realize that about half, yes half, of all female alcoholics struggle with anxiety. That was a huge red flag to me, as during the past 2-3 years with Kevin’s seizures and the way this country is headed, my anxiety has gotten worse. And what can I say, wine relaxes me. That’s why people drink it. I mean, I never hide my drinking. For suburban moms, it’s a part of the mom culture. You know it is. We joke about it. All the social media memes about it. Funny t-shirts, funny wall plaques for your kitchen, kitschy wine glasses and coffee mugs with funny wine sayings on them, right? Wine jokes and memes are everywhere! Wine Moms. I mean, as my friend Lindsay pointed out today, as she stops drinking, she will probably be the only woman in her neighborhood who doesn't drink. My friend Lindsay, we chat almost daily. Mom stuff, kid stuff, blogging stuff, wine stuff. And during discussions about how we sleep better without wine and such…we decided that we want to stop. Over the years, we have stopped for weeks or months at a time. This time felt different. It started with Chrissy Teigen and her public decision to stop drinking. When I read a few of the articles and saw her on TV, her thoughts just really resonated with me. Elizabeth Vargas’ situation did not resonate with me, but Chrissy did. I could identify with her and thought, “Hmm, maybe I’m not an alcoholic, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t stop drinking.” Then Lindsay suggested I read the book “Almost Alcoholic” which she was reading. That book sealed the deal for me. Basically, the premise is this. Just because you’re not a full-blown, physically dependent on alcohol alcoholic, doesn’t mean that you don’t have a problem. How bad is my problem? I don’t know, I’m still self-examining. But the self-tests and questionnaires in the book are enough to give me some red flags. I have a strong family history of both anxiety and alcoholism. I remember my grandfather, who was an alcoholic–and his wife, my grandmother used to say, “Oh how I wish that just once he would wake up with a hangover, that might stop him from drinking.” Like him, I infrequently get headaches from wine, and it is socially acceptable for moms like me to drink wine, frequently and lots of it. That’s a dangerous combination for me. So I’m stopping. It’s scary. Fact is, I don’t really know how to “mom” without wine. It’s been a part of our household, our holidays, for as long as I can remember. But it’s expensive. I’ve gained weight as I am barreling towards age 50 and my metabolism slows down. I need a good sleep. I need to regain and retain patience, extra patience that is required when raising a medically complex child. I want to do better for my children. I want to accomplish more, because when I have wine in the evening, nothing gets done after dinner. What a waste of precious time! Mom Wine Marketing. Ladies, we are being marketed to! According to the Chicago Tribune, 60% of wine customers are women. And, the alcohol industry has sat up and taken notice of this. So many things are put in place to encourage us to drink more wine. Wine sellers advertising during the Super Bowl (50% of Super Bowl watchers are female) Wine becoming more accessible, easier to purchase because moms are busy and want convenience. In stores, you now often will see suggested pairings, so that buying wine at the grocery store will be as natural as buying food. All sorts of glasses, mugs, aprons, framed art, t-shirts, hats, key rings, note pads, refrigerator magnets and other tchotckes all that reinforce the message of, “hey, drinking wine is part of being a mom.” What’s worse, is that as marketing efforts have increased and women are drinking more, bad statistics followed. As reported by the CDC, women and drinking is a growing health concern. Is it a coincidence that these statistics happened when the wine industry started to actively target their campaigns toward women? No. This is why I want Moms to reevaluate their wine habits: Alcohol-related deaths are twice the amount as any and all other drugs, combined. One recent study found women are now drinking almost as much as men, closing a historically wide gap. Another study found rates of binge drinking increased by 17.5 percent among women between 2005 and 2012, but rose just 4.9 percent among men for that same period. The rate of alcohol-related visits to U.S. emergency rooms spiked by almost 50 percent between 2006 and 2014, especially among women, the government announced in January. From 2000 to 2015, death rates for chronic liver disease and cirrhosis — often associated with alcohol abuse — increased 57 percent for women 45 to 64 years old, and 18 percent for women ages 25-44, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reported. Our “giving up alcohol” stories. Lindsay is into week 3 of her 30-day sobriety challenge. For me, I think if I look back at the past 20-22 days, I’ve had two glasses of wine in that time. (author's note--this post is from 2016 or 17) My head feels clearer. I’m sleeping better. I’m not feeling overwhelmed with morning tasks because I am getting more stuff done in the evenings. I have more patience. I’m reading more, finishing books at a much quicker pace. My skin is clearer. It’s back to school time and I have a big social event on Saturday. I likely wouldn’t drink anyway because I’ll have to drive. But still, it’s on my mind as other friends are already talking about how much they plan on drinking. But as Lindsay has said, once it’s off the table as an option, it’s not that hard. Sure, some evenings I get the feeling of “I could really go for a glass of wine right now” but then I think of my kids, and all these thoughts in this blog post that are swirling in my head, and the money, and it’s a no-brainer. I kinda regret all the money that my household has spent on wine in the past few years. I wanted to get these thoughts out of my head, so here they are. If you are having doubts or concerns or wondering about your own situation, I strongly recommend that you check out the books I’ve recommended. Almost Alcoholic points out, just because you don’t meet the DSM 5 criteria for an alcoholic, does not mean that change isn’t needed. I needed change, and I’ve found it. I have another friend who also gave up drinking in the past couple of years, and to quote her, “No, I wasn’t an alcoholic, I just decided that I don’t want alcohol to be a part of my life anymore.” That pretty much sums it up for me too. Author’s Update: Now that I have been sober for the better part of two years, I can’t tell you how much better life is. My health is better. I’ve lost weight and I have more energy, more patience. And, the more I read about the poison that is alcohol, the more I am confident I will spend the rest of my time not drinking it. And, I’ve heard from so many of you who are also on this same journey and feel so much better for doing it. (that update was posted in 2018 or 19) To my family: If you are reading this and are disturbed or hurt that I am “airing dirty laundry,” well, too bad. We need to be able to talk about alcoholism. If we could talk about it and not hide it, she might still be alive today. Nothing that I’ve said is untrue, and many families are struggling with it. Doesn’t mean they/we are bad people…and we need to stop treating it that way. 2025 Addendum: I'm not a mental health or alcoholism counselor and I don't play one on the internet. But, if you find yourself struggling, please feel free to reach out. I also recommend the following books or podcasts: Quit Like a Woman, This Naked Mind, Almost Alcoholic, Take a Break. If you are a mom/woman questioning this, re-evaluating and so on, I strongly recommend that you read and listen to things by women. The dynamics between men vs women and alcohol are very different. Honestly, it's been so long at this point, I don't really miss "my" mom, but I definitely miss having "a" mom. Because I never really did. I'm sure there were good times, but the traumatic times are what we remember. What an incredible life wasted--gone at 39, acute alcohol poisoning.

You’re right to be worried, and you’re also right to push back because what you’re describing raises both IEP and discrimination concerns. A few key points: IEP coverage of absences. If your child’s medical and mental health needs require frequent appointments or cause him to miss school, that can and should be addressed in the IEP. For example, the team can add accommodations such as “excused absences for medical/therapy appointments will not be counted toward truancy” or “work will be provided in advance/alternative format when absences occur.” Placement decisions. Moving him back to his old school because of absences isn’t an IEP team decision, it sounds more like an administrative threat. Under IDEA, placement must be determined by the IEP team based on his needs (34 C.F.R. § 300.116), not as punishment for medical absences. Discrimination concerns. Since the absences are tied to documented disabilities (ADHD and anxiety) and medical treatment, punishing him for that could be a violation of Section 504 of the Rehabilitation Act, which prohibits disability discrimination in schools. North Carolina angle. NC has compulsory attendance laws, but excused absences for medical reasons are not supposed to trigger punitive measures. A school cannot override federal law (IDEA/504) with a local policy. What you can do next: Ask for an IEP meeting to discuss how absences impact his education and write in accommodations/supports around this. Put your concerns in writing to the principal and district, document that these absences are medically necessary and excused, and that moving him would not be appropriate or supportive of FAPE. If they keep pressing, you can escalate by filing a state complaint or a 504 complaint with the Office for Civil Rights. You’re not overreacting....schools can’t use absences related to a disability as a reason to deny services or change placement. Getting it into the IEP is the best way to protect him moving forward.

First, I am embarrassed--but this post never sent a notification, I just found it "hidden" when I was trying to do something else.

First, I am embarrassed--but this post never sent a notification, I just found it "hidden" when I was trying to do something else. You’re right to be asking these questions, because the way your child is being handled raises some serious red flags under IDEA. 1. Emergency removals. Schools can remove a student for dangerous behavior, but when this becomes a pattern (even if each removal is under 10 days), the law says the team has to look at whether it adds up to a “change of placement.” It’s not just about one long suspension—it can also be when a series of removals shows a pattern. IDEA: 34 C.F.R. § 300.536 talks about this. 2. Alternate Learning Placement in the building. If your child is being regularly sent to another room for part or all of the day, that’s effectively a change in placement—even if the district says it isn’t. Placement decisions must be made by the IEP team, not unilaterally by staff in the moment. IDEA: 34 C.F.R. § 300.116 (placement decisions by IEP team, based on the IEP). 3. Sitting in the pod with a para. If your child is outside the gen ed room all day and only “listening” instead of receiving the instruction and supports written in the IEP, that’s a problem. IDEA guarantees the student has the right to be educated in the least restrictive environment (LRE) to the maximum extent appropriate (34 C.F.R. § 300.114). Less than 10 minutes a day in gen ed is clearly not access to LRE unless the IEP team specifically agreed on it. 4. Prior Written Notice (PWN). Any time the district proposes or refuses to change placement or services, they must give PWN (34 C.F.R. § 300.503). If you’re being told “no PWN is required” while your child is being regularly removed or placed elsewhere, that’s not consistent with IDEA. What to do next: Put your concerns in writing. Request PWN for each removal and for the use of the alternate room/pod instead of gen ed. Document how often this is happening. A log of days/hours removed is powerful evidence. Ask the IEP team to reconvene (beyond the BIP review) to talk about whether the current placement is truly meeting FAPE and LRE requirements. If they continue to refuse PWN or deny there’s been a placement change, you can file a state complaint with the Ohio Department of Education, citing the regulations above. You’re not overreacting, IDEA is clear that placement and access to services can’t just be adjusted on the fly without the IEP team and proper notice.

You’re asking really good questions, and it sounds like you’re already doing a lot right by calling the IEP team together early. At four years old, biting/hitting/scratching often comes from frustration with communication or being asked to do something that feels too hard, too noisy, or too long. The fact that the behaviors happen both at school and home shows it’s not “just the classroom”—it’s his way of expressing overwhelm. A few things to know: PWN (Prior Written Notice): Yes, even in preschool, the school should provide Prior Written Notice any time they propose or refuse a change in identification, evaluation, placement, or services. Since they’re proposing an FBA (Functional Behavior Assessment), you should receive something in writing about that decision. FBA is the right next step. An FBA helps the team figure out why the behaviors are happening (communication needs, sensory overload, task avoidance, etc.) and then design a Behavior Intervention Plan (BIP) that teaches new skills instead of just managing the behavior. Sitting for non-preferred work: It’s reasonable to want him to build stamina for non-preferred tasks, but forcing a preschooler to sit until a task is done usually backfires, especially if communication and sensory challenges are in play. It may be more effective to use shorter tasks, visuals, choices, or sensory breaks to build up his tolerance gradually. Noise sensitivity: If he’s sensitive to sound, that’s an accommodation issue. Things like headphones, a quieter space for certain tasks, or letting him rejoin the group after a short break are all common strategies. It’s not about shielding him forever, it’s about helping him participate successfully now, while he develops coping tools. The good news is that your team seems open and willing to meet, which is a huge plus. Keep documenting what you see at home, bring those notes to the FBA, and don’t be afraid to ask for supports to be written into the IEP. You’re right at the beginning of this journey, and advocating now is going to set him up for much better experiences in kindergarten and beyond.

So first of all, as you're learning, you have to pick your battles. Seeing as Sept 26 is tomorrow....not sure this is one I'd choose to fight right now. However, there are some red flags. Yes, summers are exempt, the exact wording from the code is: In addition to the requirements incorporated by reference in 34 CFR 300.301 (relating to initial evaluations), the initial evaluation shall be completed and a copy of the evaluation report presented to the parents no later than 60-calendar days after the agency receives written parental consent for evaluation, except that the calendar days from the day after the last day of the spring school term up to and including the day before the first day of the subsequent fall school term will not be counted. A couple of clarifications that may help in practice: This applies to initial evaluations. Reevaluations have a different timeline (within 60 calendar days of receiving parental consent, but no later than every 3 years, 2 years for students with intellectual disabilities). The pause only applies if the 60-day window runs into summer. If you gave consent back in, say, February, the school can’t use summer to stretch their deadline, the report should have been finished before the end of the school year. The IEP meeting timeline is separate. Once the report is issued, the team still has 30 calendar days to meet and develop the IEP, regardless of summer break. If the psychologist has already reviewed the results with you, there’s really no reason you can’t have a copy of the written report now. You’re entitled to it—period. Delaying until late September doesn’t line up with the law. (but again, if they said you're getting it tomorrow....I'd just keep that documentation in case I need it later) What I’d suggest: Put your request in writing. Email the school and say you are formally requesting a copy of the evaluation report that was completed July 3rd. Reference the law. You can mention that under IDEA and PA Chapter 14, the district has 60 calendar days to complete the evaluation after consent and must provide parents with the report. Request an IEP meeting date. Ask them to schedule it within 30 days of when you receive the report. You’re not being unreasonable, this is about your child’s right to timely services which is why timelines were put in place. I"d also read up on IEEs, because it sounds like that might be the path you're headed down next. https://adayinourshoes.com/iee-independent-education-evaluation/

Ok, when I saw how long this was, I had to return to it when I had time which unfortunately was not until today. Most of what I'm going to say piggybacks on what others have said. You’ve been through so much, and honestly, the fact that you’ve documented everything this carefully shows just how committed you are to your daughter. It shouldn’t have been this hard, but your record-keeping is going to help you now. To your main question: No, your daughter does not have to switch classes in order to be evaluated for an IEP. Under IDEA (the federal law that governs IEPs), you can make a written request for a special education evaluation. Once the school receives your written request, they’re required to respond, usually by either getting your consent for evaluations or giving you written notice of why they’re refusing. They cannot require her to “try” interventions or switch classes first if you are requesting a full evaluation. Here are some concrete next steps: Put your request in writing. Say clearly: “I am formally requesting a special education evaluation for my daughter to determine if she qualifies for an IEP.” List the areas of suspected disability (anxiety, ADHD, possible learning disability in reading/writing/math if you suspect it). You don’t have to know the exact tests,but it’s powerful and necessary to identify the concerns. Keep it broad. Instead of asking for one kind of test, you can request evaluations in all areas related to her suspected disability. That way the school has to look at academics, functional skills, and social/emotional needs. Timeline awareness. Once you give written consent, the school has a set timeline (which varies a bit by state, but usually around 60 days) to complete the evaluations and hold a meeting. Stay organized. You’ve already shown you’re excellent at this. Keep copies of every email, meeting notice, and plan. If they lose things again, you’ll be the one with the paper trail. Consider outside input. If you can, having her counselor or another professional provide a written statement about her struggles and why testing is important can strengthen your case. Moving forward, you don’t have to solve everything at once. Focus on getting the evaluation process started, that’s the doorway to services and accommodations that actually match her needs. You’ve already stepped up and become her advocate, and now you’re taking the right steps to finally get the right supports in place.

I don't know if WC is a magnet for issues, I think a lot of it is size bias-- WC and Downingtown both have 10-12000 students, so it feels more frequent. Anyway, I need to come up with a list for parents to use to ask questions when hiring an advocate. There are a few on that list who I would not recommend.... and in fact I would recommend not reaching out to them. but in this litigious society, I'm certainly not going to say who or why.

It sounds like you’re juggling a lot right now, and I can hear how frustrating this situation must feel. You’re right to notice that some of the “behaviors” they’re reporting aren’t random, they’re connected to work that isn’t appropriate for him developmentally or skill-wise. If the OT already observed that he doesn’t have the grasp or tracking to complete those worksheets, then repeating the same task is just setting him up for frustration. A couple of steps you can take: Document everything (which you’re already doing). Keep notes on the behaviors, the communication you’re getting from school, and any mismatched work examples. Call an IEP meeting sooner rather than later. Bring up the mismatch between his needs (as observed by OT) and the tasks he’s being asked to do. Ask what supports or alternate materials can be used so he can engage successfully. Address staffing concerns in terms of access and safety. Instead of only saying “he needs a 1:1 aide,” focus on the why: toileting, medical management, and meaningful access to instruction. You can also ask what the plan is when the aide leaves the room with him, because right now, that leaves the other students without adequate support. Reframe behaviors as communication. You’ve already identified this, refusal, cursing, boundary issues are his way of showing the environment isn’t working for him. That language can help shift the team’s mindset away from “acting out” and toward “what does he need?” It’s still early in the school year, which makes this a good time to ask for adjustments. You’re not asking for anything unreasonable, you’re asking for your child to have appropriate work, adequate support, and a safe environment for everyone in the classroom. And I have more on 1:1s here: https://adayinourshoes.com/one-on-one-aide-paraprofessional-iep-special-education/

Ha ha Carolyn... "Not my problem to solve." And it's not. I'm not unsympathetic to the large issues, but I spend a significant amount of time lobbying for that.....anyway...... Right now the ratio sounds manageable, but you’re right kindergarten will likely look very different with a larger class and less adult support per child. Since you’ve already asked about an aide and felt brushed off, this is a good time to put your concerns in writing. When you ask in an email or at an IEP meeting, you can focus on why she needs the support, not just that you want it. For example: Safety (because of elopement and toileting needs) Access (she can’t fully participate without support for communication and staying engaged) Independence (the aide can prompt, fade support, and help her access academics on her level) You don’t necessarily have to use the word “aide” either....you can describe the support she needs and let the team decide how that’s written into the IEP. Sometimes it shows up as “1:1 adult support,” “parprofessional assistance,” or as specific services tied to toileting, communication, and safety. Also, make sure her IEP reflects her strengths (advanced academics) while addressing the areas that impact her learning (toileting, sitting, writing/drawing, communication). If those needs are clearly documented, the school has to show how they’ll provide the support whether that’s an aide, assistive tech, or other services. It’s great that you’re noticing what works now and planning for what’s next. Getting it into the IEP before kindergarten will give you a much stronger footing than waiting until problems start. Also, read this... https://adayinourshoes.com/iep-kindergarten-transition/

Short answer is, IDEA is not changing. But I would make my IEP as airtight as I could. read: https://adayinourshoes.com/how-to-prepare-for-possible-changes-to-idea/

We're working on this massive project of cleaning out our basement--we've been here 25 yrs and good grief, we look like Hoarders. Anyway, I just found some old IFSP paperwork in a bin with music CDs. It also reminded me that I have not listened to the Dixie Chicks in forever. (now, just The Chicks, I know). Start a fresh folder or binder this week, even if it’s just a plain one from the dollar store. The sooner you corral the papers, the less overwhelming spring will feel. It's a new year, so stay on top of it early. Pro tip: Look at the work assignments you're getting right now, and compare them to May/June, if you still have those kicking around. Great way to look at progress, or lack thereof. And a stronger case for a different ESY next year.

Iowa is a one-party consent state, so you’re legally allowed to record without notifying the team. That said, you’re also right that it's highly recommended to give notice in writing ahead of time. This helps avoid unnecessary tension at the start of the meeting and puts you on solid ground if anything were to come up later. You won't win any popularity contests if you do it secretly. And I know, your goal may not be to win any popularity contests, but I always encourage parents to think about it in reverse: the team thinks they are meeting your child's needs, it is seldom that there are truly malicious IEP team members.So how would you feel if you were doing your best under the circumstances, and you were being secretly recorded? In terms of experience: most teams act more cautiously when they know a meeting is being recorded. That can be a good thing, it often leads to clearer communication and fewer off-the-cuff comments. But some teams do get visibly uncomfortable or defensive. If that happens, just calmly remind them that it’s legal and that you’re doing it to help you stay focused and review the details later, not to “catch” anyone. Also, make sure you have your device fully charged and that it records clearly. Some parents even say something like, “Just letting everyone know I’m recording for my own reference” as the meeting starts. more tips here: https://adayinourshoes.com/record-iep-meeting/

there are definitely a few important things you can and should still do in this situation, especially given what you’ve shared. 1. Put your concern in writing to the principal, too. Even though the VP and facilitator are looped in, the principal is typically the one with final say over classroom assignments. If you haven’t already sent it directly to her, you should, even if your relationship is strained. Keep the tone factual and focused on your child’s needs (not the past conflict). Frame it as a request for a reconsideration based on emotional, social, and academic benefit. Reference your daughter's documented anxiety and how the peer connection helped her engage, participate, and grow. 2. Request a meeting ASAP. Instead of waiting for an email response, ask for a quick meeting with whoever is part of the placement decision. It doesn’t need to be an IEP meeting, just a school-level meeting. Face-to-face can be more effective in situations like this, especially if you’re met with silence via email. 3. Reference the RTI and testing concerns. If the psychologist acknowledged that the testing may not have been accurate due to anxiety, that’s important. You can ask that the team consider reevaluating her once she's acclimated to the school year, or to consider an eligibility determination based on a body of evidence, not just test scores. Also, this may make her eligible for an IEE, so you may want to read up on that. Also: chronic anxiety can qualify a student under the category of Emotional Disturbance, even if ADHD isn’t formally diagnosed or medicated. If her anxiety is interfering with her ability to access the curriculum (and it sounds like it is), she may still be eligible under IDEA or for a 504 plan. You can ask the team to revisit that. 4. Continue documenting. Keep track of everything, emails, responses (or lack of them), and any behaviors you notice in your daughter during this transition. If the separation leads to a regression in progress or increased anxiety, document it. That kind of data becomes very important when requesting reconsideration, reevaluation, or formal supports. 5. You’re not overreacting. Your instincts are right. Positive peer relationships can absolutely serve as a support for children with anxiety and other emotional needs. There’s solid research to back that up, and it’s okay to include that as part of your request.

Admin Note: I don't normally do anonymous posts, but this person is having trouble getting past the recaptcha, which we're trying to figure out. In the meantime, I said I'd post her question so that hopefully it has responses by the time she can get in. --------------------------------------- I have been fighting our (Ohio) school to get an IEP for my 9yo son (diagnosed with Social Pragmatic Communication Disorder, PTSD, and ADHD; adopted from foster care and had extensive early neglect) for over two years now. He gets good grades and tests well, but struggles extensively with the social-emotional parts of school and executive function stuff. Last year he was spending time in the hall, in another classroom, or with an administrator at least three times a week for a solid hour at a time and getting informally suspended more and more frequently, which to me means not accessing FAPE. In second grade, they declined to assess for an IEP based on classroom observations and good grades and punted him to RTI for speech. Not knowing what I know now, we assumed good faith and went to get a private psych eval to get diagnoses and prove disability, which took nearly a year. When I got the psych report last November, I sent it to the school and asked again for an IEP assessment in December. I followed up in February when they were out of compliance, and they slapped together a 504 Plan in February for his ADHD. At the same time, his behavior was getting more explosive, and he was getting informally suspended more and more frequently. (Also didn’t know that was a thing at the time.) When he got formally suspended for the first time in March (and my conversation with the principal revealed that the principal believed he was three incidents away from expulsion), I hit the roof and demanded all the things. The school psych used the private psych report to put together her portion of an ETR, the school gave us an FBA with one of the district BCBAs, and the school SLP declined to evaluate for the ETR again, somehow, despite my son receiving speech services at the local children’s hospital (for pragmatics and articulation). They were rushing a lot of stuff because by this point it was the end of the school year. At the ETR meeting, the LEA/school psych said he did not qualify for an IEP on the grounds that there wasn’t evidence that his disabilities were impacting his access to FAPE, and that we needed to use the BIP and “wait and see.” This is where I finally did some Googling and discovered y’all and started learning the process. I talked to our state disability rights org, who assigned me a short-term advocate to give me advice. She read the ETR and said it was really badly done and I absolutely had grounds to request an IEE. She specifically pointed out that not having a speech eval for a communication disorder was ludicrous, that there was no OT eval despite SPCD being related to autism, and that the report the school psych cribbed from the private eval failed to address the clinically significant results of various assessments. I asked for an IEE using the Don’t IEP Alone template at the end of July, and the district IEP person said that we needed to wait for the school year since most staff were 10 month. I emailed to follow up today (3 days into the school year), and she said that we could either proceed with an IEE (we’re not on a waitlist yet) or the school could do the speech and OT assessments and we could have a new ETR and meeting. I need advice on this. I am torn, because I feel the school has been acting in bad faith for a long time and the IEP rep did not mention readdressing the psych eval concerns. On the other hand, an IEE is gonna take a million years. Is there any harm in saying yes to the re-eval while getting on IEE waitlists in case they keep trying to deny the IEP? Now that I found Don’t IEP Alone, I am keeping much better documentation, I am working to find a longer-term advocate, and I hope to have a much stronger case and be more prepared for an ETR meeting. Also, how do I prove the 504/BIP is not enough when there’s no IEP mandating data collection? When I asked for my son’s behavior record last year (in writing), they gave me one mostly-empty page documenting the one formal suspension and that was it.

You're absolutely right to feel frustrated. What that director said is incredibly telling and concerning. When a director frames the primary needs of an MSD (Moderate to Severe Disabilities) classroom as “showing up and communicating with parents,” it reveals how low their expectations are for both the students and the role of the teacher. Yes, reliability and communication are important; but those should be the minimum expectations for any teacher in any classroom, not the whole job description. Students in MSD classrooms deserve instruction, support, progress, goals, and dignity. They deserve teachers who believe in their potential and are trained to support them. Reducing the job to just “be there and talk to parents” doesn’t just undersell the position, it underserves the students. And it sends the message that they aren’t worth the time or effort it takes to actually teach them. It’s a red flag, not just about that director, but possibly about how the whole school or district views their high-needs population. I'd be asking follow-up questions, and if your daughter takes the job, document everything.

those summer program ads are tempting, especially when you feel like your kid has been passed along with no real progress. But here’s the thing: flashy claims like “gain 1 school year in 6 weeks” are usually too good to be true. Some of these programs can help, but many aren’t backed by solid research, and they are expensive. I would look online for reviews, keeping in mind that some places actually pay for reviews. You can also look in the "what works" database, if it's still online. Linda McMahon may have pulled it down, I actually haven't used it myelf in several weeks. If the school has acknowledged that your child hasn’t made meaningful progress, you can ask for compensatory education services. This is different from summer school. It’s about making up for services or instruction your child should have already received. Bring this up in your CSE meeting. If you have data (or lack thereof), point to it. Ask what evidence-based programs they can offer or fund. Also, don’t let them skate by with “he can use a calculator” if he still hasn’t been taught the foundational math skills. That’s an accommodation, not instruction.